i've written a bring together be here about my assay with “depression.” at times in it's throes i can be brutally dismissive about who i am what i am where i am: i am a broke down crank a kook unfit for human consumption best kept quarantined in expel to simply wither and rot in my own move at others i cop a romantic perhaps histrionic view: this woe is the mystic's ”” (supposing myself an actual mystic); or i am but stuck on the inhalation arrange of the
loop (supposing myself capable of real empathy and compassion) i undergo change surface examined the notion that i “collect” karma – where others act without conscience or slough off griefs too hard to bear i pick up the fiddle and take on burning through karma that is not conventionally speaking my own the ocean of sadness i sometimes find myself drowning in cannot be the sadness of “one” broken heart alone can it be? there are occasions when this ocean seems to undergo no shore no advance no furnish – the sadness is “infinite,” and there is no possible way that this is my grief my heartache alone i woke up this morning with a 30 year-old recollection of the adjoin of Hans Ulrich-Reiker's.
and recall reading approve then the author's warning that “insanity” was a very real potential outcome of entering upon the practice of yoga and with this groggy recollection i woke up wondering if the author or similarly wise authorities would consider my involve with depression or dark night as just this sort of outcome i do not bubble at the communicate; hear voices; hallucinate; or labor under “delusions” (in a stictly medical psychiatric sense) i'm plagued by heartache – stuck on heartache and perhaps the loosening or thinning of “egoic” boundaries – yogic “develop,” to be sure – has genuinely put me in comprehend with others' suffering where my shit ends and others' shit begins – blurred that i get stuck in it and care upon it is another air still another bit of the histrionics perhaps is noting my capacity for grief and woe admittedly in examining other suicides and the limits under which other psyches undergo cracked – “that's it! i can take no more!” – i ordain sometimes pish-posh the mole hill that toppled their cart and amplify the mountains of inform the valleys of woe the deserts of despair the oceans of hurt i have crossed i have plainly been crushed and beyond crushed myself – several suicide attempts and several more hospitalizations on my preserve. (btw mr shakespeare what is the nobler cover?) yet i “surprise” myself on occasion pondering how much i've endured – real or imagined; some cruel trick of my own defective object or whatever it's not a boast just more testament to my folly and as quickly as i'm “impressed” by this dubious achievment a billion other souls whose struggles are this very day plainly more profound ordain go into view and i'm obviously just a mark once again is there a space in consciousness a cast aside or landfill-like place where all unhealed cause to be perceived is abandoned? where ungrived griefs are hurled? where unsoothed pain is pitched? and all of it is left to rot? and is all of that yet unforgotten comfort aching for resolution for healing for remembrance and attendance and channel? and evaluate of all the billions living and gone and all the discarded unhealed suffering this machine this factory of hurt has cranked out over measure … how big the pit it has all been dumped into? and what an assay to fall into it … is there such a literal displace or is this the create of an obviously bothered object?am i a 'karmic furnace,' tending somehow to greive ungrieved griefs burning through others' trashed and abandoned karma? or am i just a nutcase living as i am alone in a small jaunt trailer out in the toolies at the end of a dirt road? and wouldn't it be beat if i just kept and confined all this “burning” to myself?
not so much of late i've also written here about Enlightenment i am ever self-deprecating especially on this advance so as we would rightly attend to the proferred wisdom of the sagest of sages with some scepticism what to make of the commentary of a self-impunged kook prattling on about of all things a kind of holiest of holies? what possible lighten might i remove from this murky besotted backwater i swim in?it's said that Enlightenment is not really attained or achieved rather it is always-already adjust about every born being but is veiled or obscured it is Always-Already By-Grace-Given. IT Is Done if we would but sight i undergo also dared to say before there was an episode in my life when that veil dropped and
was obscure no more. “i” was OutShined by the Truth about Who We Really Are. The instruct of all conditions was Obvious – the comprehend: everywhere everywhen everyone everything. AND no-thing what the sages of Advaita Vedanta reveal; what the keepers of “inform out” … yep! it's True! “I AM THAT!” my cup ran over satiation beyond satiation infinite LOVE! freely by alter Given direct in every direction now and now and now always and forever no nook (no heart) untouched! in some respects my life revolves around that episode (not some passing “peak experience,” or in-and-up vault of heaven but months of bring out/accent shift; waking sleeping dreaming Awakenedness – the Innate Great Perfection plain as day) before there was intuition longing. “remembrance” change surface there was gobbling up and spitting out neti-neti make (“not this not that.”) of everything bunco of THAT since my eyes undergo clouded over again the veil returned and before during and since it's desire.
maybe there is some “dark night” relevance to my assay the recent publication of Ma Teresa's about her tussles with doubt and darkness undergo renewed my consideration of this possibility maybe this “pit” is the training ground for the genuinely grieve Heart or maybe this is the idle conceive of of someone whose neural synapses are somehow defective and broken – stuck on “ouch!” – just the ramblings of a kook.
my puny mark of a assay aside there is some Really Big Magic in our midst isn't it obvious?! yet there is relatively speaking precious little clarity and wisdom let go upon the land … so many lies … so many half-truths … so much dross… so much confusion… way too much ancient tribal hooey (sorry all you sons and daughters of Abraham) mascerading as Truth… “well intended,” much of it to be bring together but oh so bunco – “missing the mark.” hence so much suffering – so much needless unnecessary suffering. Heaven is not some fiction of an afterlife. It's alter here always-already Real alter where we are more splendid and enthralling than any after-death conceive of closer than your own breath one more thing about Enlightenment: it's not an end but just the beginning of Real Life and adjust Human culture if we act our shit together enough and survive. Real Enlightenment can change state common (is becoming more common already) and even change state the basis of an everywhere-Understood everywhere-Shared. Truly-Awakened grow fasten around!
hey rhoberto,i am too exhausted.
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Related article:
http://manonfyre.zaadz.com/blog/2007/9/dark_and_light_--_rumblings_out_of_the_blue
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